Earlier today, Cinematical game-master Erik Davis informed us that Hasbro and Universal were teaming up to make movies out of games like Battleship, Candy Land, Ouija, and a few others. Now, I actually think that something like Battleship and/or Candy Land could actually make for some pretty good flicks, provided you hire some good filmmakers, of course. But then I got to thinking about all the BAD movies that could probably be made out of the old-school board games. And so I give you...
Roland Emmerich's Hungry Hungry Hippos -- An expedition to find the fabled White Marbles of Maui unleashes a quartet of stunningly ravenous and pastel-colored hippopotami who devour everything in their path. Able to re-attach their heads with only a parents' assistance, the Hippos seem completely unstoppable ... until one overzealous kid evens the playing field with a well-placed hammer.
Wes Craven's Operation -- John Smith had been admitted to General Hospital for only a routine appendectomy. But when he awakens, his penis is missing, his nose has been replaced by a light bulb, his body is covered with massive wounds, and three eight-year-olds are pulling tiny plastic toys out of his neck with an electric tweezers. Rated NC-17.
Paul W.S. Anderson's Boggle vs. Yahtzee: Die -- A group of stupid teenagers mix all their Boggle and Yahtzee dice together, resulting in the creation of a new language that unlocks a dimension filled with monsters, strobe lights, and bad editing.
Ken Russell's Connect Four -- Four lovers (two black and two red) spend a few hours bouncing off each other, clattering on to the floor, and (ultimately) making one successful connection.
Ridley Scott's Trouble -- The Green family is terrorized by a family who (somehow) look just like them! The newcomers claim to be from a city called Parcheesi, and they keep jumping on the Greens and sending them back home, but only a visit to the powerful Irish deity Pop O'Maddick can solve the mystery.
Quentin Tarantino's Don't Tip the Waiter -- Steve Buscemi stars as a cheap hood who refuses to tip, which inspires a French team of waiter-assassins to take a contract out on his life. (OK, to those who don't remember Don't Tip the Waiter, here's an alternate: Victor Salva's Mystery Date.)
Larry Clark's Hi-Ho-Cherry-O -- An underage heroin addict who hasn't bathed in six weeks sets out on a mission to deflower as many girls as possible while visiting a Seattle meth clinic.
...and obviously I want suggestions from the readership. If we get enough amusing ones, I'll do a follow-up piece.
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
2-20-2008 @ 11:57PM
James said...
Here's a bad idea for a movie based on a board game--CLUE! It could be a movie with a few different endings, and---oh wait! Never mind!
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2-20-2008 @ 11:58PM
tozmervo said...
Robot Chicken already has Hungry Hungry Hippos covered:
http://www.jibjab.com/view/131818
They also did Chutes and Ladders, though I can't find that one (I didn't try that hard)
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2-20-2008 @ 11:59PM
James said...
J.J. Abrams' "LIFE" A small society of people in a town somewhere in America discover that the course of their lives and the decisions they make are somehow influenced and determined by a giant, colorful spinning wheel.
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2-21-2008 @ 12:52AM
mezzanine said...
David Lynch's Pictionary:
An FBI agent investigates a murder in a small town where everyone is deaf and mute. He communicates through pictures, but if his drawing takes more than a minute to complete, a demon from another realm visits him in his sleep and sucks a bit of his life away, using the life force to create erasers.
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2-21-2008 @ 1:21AM
killtehnetre said...
Ken Russell's Connect Four actually sounds like it could be fantastic. Would be better is Fassbinder directed mind, but still it conjures up images of a strange, 3-hour counter-cinema masterpiece. A single shot of four people desperately trying to connect with one another in the correct way.
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2-21-2008 @ 7:12AM
KMF said...
Matthew Vaugh's "Topple" ( for MARV Films)
An all British cast brings gangster flavour to this tense game of balance. Dexter Fletcher takes center stage as a hitman who wants to retire. But now he's forced to balance his new personal life with fiancee Sienna Miller, his professional life leaving his boss Michael Gambon, wily mates Burn Gorman and Jason Flemying, and dodge a detective inspector, who's also on the verge of retiring, and starting a new life with his wife Sally Hawkins, played by Nick Frost, before the pressure stacks up and up for both men where it could topple over. Rated R for language, nudity, drugs, and sexual situations.
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2-21-2008 @ 5:25PM
Astin said...
John McTiernan's "Jenga":
A posh party takes place on the top floor of an architectural wonder of a skyscraper. But were too many changes made at the last minute? Was perhaps one too many blocks taken from the bottom and put on top? A lone wolf architecture professor trying to save his marriage is the only hope for the doomed party-goers.
Brett Ratner's "Pick-up-Stix" (AKA Jenga 2):
After the disaterous collapse of the Jenga tower, a team of civil engineers from different worlds try to figure out when wrong by inspecting the rubble. But if the piled girders aren't removed in the proper order, it could mean the end of them all.
Darren Aronofsky's "Taboo":
A town where an increasing number of words are forbidden from being spoken. Two friends try to communicate with an increasingly limited vocabulary while an evil overseer looms ever-present with a buzzer in hand to dictate who has broken the law. Lots of quick cuts, and zooms on eyes and mouths as words are pondered. Music by the Kronos Quartet.
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2-21-2008 @ 6:02PM
Ryan said...
I know most of you are joking, but some of these sound really fascinating and I would definitely watch them.
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2-22-2008 @ 12:17PM
Randy Tayler said...
Michael Bay's "Lite-Brite":
Stunning visual effects adorn this masterpiece from blockbuster guru Michael Bay, about... well... there's this... LOOK AT ALL THE LIGHTS! SO MANY COLORS!
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2-22-2008 @ 4:55PM
Laylabean said...
After a browse through our game closet...
Perfection: an amped up version of the Little Dutch Boy only set in New Orleans. The levees are failing and Little Curtis must frantically try to fit the pieces back together before...disaster!
20 Questions: a sinister taskmaster has taken over the slumber party. Guess an answer and you get to live to morning. Get it wrong and ...let's just say you'd better get it right. Alfred Hitchcock directs.
Twister: it just writes itself, doesn't it!
Shameless plug:
http://www.laylabean.com
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2-26-2008 @ 12:15PM
Tigerlily said...
Great stuff! What about Mousetrap and Barbie's Dream Date? I think you all have futures as screen writers...
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